Its almost comical the things that I can stress/worry about for such a long time.

A few months ago my camera battery stopped letting me charge it. I tried it in different outlets, different times of the day, wiping both the battery and the charger off with a rag, anything I could think of to get it to work because the battery was dead.  
I’ve been worried about it because with Ellenor I took quite a few pictures right after she was born while we were at home. With this baby I want more than one picture of us in the hospital and not just phone pictures. I’ve been sad even thinking that all we would have is bad quality phone pictures because we can’t afford a new camera.

My sister asked me to take a couple pictures of her kids while they were here and I was so sad that I wouldn’t be able to do that for her. I knew it wasn’t going to work but I tried to charge it anyways. Some miracle happened and it charged! Four months of not being able to charge it and it finally did!
Moral of the story, there will be pictures of the baby and better quality pictures of Ellie! And maybe don’t give up so easily?

 

It’s almost difficult to write about this past weekend because I had been looking forward to it for so long and it is now over. My sister and her three kids are staying in Utah for a little over a month while my brother in law is doing his clinical rotations for medical school. My parents flew out to Des Moines to drive with my sister and her kids and they all came and stayed with us.

Let me just say that it was the best weekend!

It wasn’t anything big or extravagant, we didn’t go on any crazy adventures or shop til we dropped but it was just perfect!

They got in late Friday night and on Saturday we got up, played at the park, splashed in the water table and sprinkler outside, and grilled for dinner. Sunday we made Café Rio (and by we I mean my sister and mom because I was preparing a lesson) salads for dinner and mom made the most amazing maple bars. 

Anyone is welcome to come visit when food like that is involved!

Monday we headed down to Twin to see Shoshone Falls and show the kids the temple. The boys loved going on a little hike and grandma even taught them how to roll down a big hill, it was extremely entertaining. Miss Ellie’s wrist are a little sensitive and get popped out of joint really easily (one trait I was really hoping I wouldn’t pass down to my kids) so she was a little grumpy that afternoon.

 Tuesday we snapped a few pictures of the kids outside and attempted to get a picture of the girls in their matching outfits from grandma. 

In the pasture next to our house there are occasionally horses, this weekend they brought them over. The kids loved them and the horses are so nice. The one even let Ellie pick its nose and didn't react!

It wasn't even ten minutes after they left that Ellenor was laying on the floor bored as can be. She loved having friends to constantly play with! Hailey is used to having two older brothers but I was surprised at how well they played together and got along. Ellie loved having Chase and Ethan chase her and they loved her pouncing on them to tickle them. Even just having the boys playing and running got both the girls laughing and running around to.

Its amazing to me to see Ellie interact with other kids. I've worried quite a bit about her and how she interacts socially with other kids but watching her this weekend I didn't feel like I had to be a referee and protect her, I could just let her play and let her come to me if something was wrong instead of just jumping in. I'm not saying I always do that anyways but I feel like it quite a bit.

This house that I have felt like is small and could barely hold another person feels quite empty today, its on the verge of even feeling huge. After having six additional people it almost feels lonely.  

It was definitely a bitter sweet weekend. It was so much fun to have my sister, my best friend, who I am constantly talking to on almost a daily basis here for a few days and I wanted to just make them stay. Its been a year since I last saw my sister and her family and that is just way to long. Of course having my parents here was a blast as well but I know I will see them in just a few weeks when this baby comes.

This weekend was also tough to see end because it was the last "big" thing I had to look forward to before this baby comes. Now the waiting games is on and I am trying to find things to keep busy!  

No one warns you that motherhood is also another word for torture. And I'm not talking about the actual labor and delivery part. 

Usually Ellie looks like an orphan child, comfy clothes (sometimes with holes in them or stains), hair undone an all over the place, and matching clothes? Aren't those only for leaving the house? 

When we do go somewhere we do her hair in the only thing possible at his point, pigtails! She has an awesome mullet going on. After we finished her hair to other day she got ahold of the ubber bands and decide to dump them all over the floor. And not only dump them but throw hem everywhere as if she were a flower girl in a wedding. Of course I moan about the mess she made as I sat back down on the floor to pick them all up. But it was a trap! 

Ellenor grabbed my face and pushed it so I was looking straight ahead, grabbed the spray bottle and brush and went to town! If I moved my head she would push it back. She brushed and talked and brushed some more. Occasionally smacking me in the head with the spray bottle while making a spraying shhhhh noise. Her version of brushing wasn't going up and down like I had taught her but in circles, fast circles while my hair got a nice matted look to it. It was a nice looking nest once she was done with it.

And I should get an award for being the best wife ever. A couple weeks ago Cody and I decided we needed a date. We dropped Ellie off early Saturday morning and headed to the temple and to grab some lunch afterwards. Cody has specific meals he gets whenever we go somewhere and rarely changes it up. At Applebee's he always gets some kind of a orange chicken salad bowl. I decided to get a steak and he copied me saying that they no longer carried the salad he liked. We argued and I swore up and down the the salad he got was an oriental one. 

Fast forward to last night. He has been takin 4 guys visiting work around showing them problems and issues that they have been having for the past few days. Last night was a late night and on their way home they stopped at Applebee's for dinner (it was the only thing open at 11:30pm) and they were still over an hour away from burley. Well Cody decided to listen to me and ordered the oriental salad. Poor guy came home hungry. Not only was it the wrong sala but apparently it did not taste good at all and had no lettuce, just cabbage. 

Moral of the story is this: I need to find a way to gain back his trust so he believes that everything I say is the truth and that I'm always right. Or at least occasionally. 

Instead of being upset because Ellie has been up quite a bit the last few nights I think she is getting me prepared for a new baby. Tuesday night I had awful heartburn, thank heavens it only hits at night, but it was the worst I have ever had it and thought I was going to throw up. My least favorite thing. Cody was great and would rock her back to sleep but very time he went to lay her down she woke right back up and would start screaming. She just really did not want to be alone. I am not sure if he climb in her bed to snuggle with her or not but I know he did sit there for quite sometime running her back while she slept. Of course waking when he's try to leave. 

I'm a mean wife and thought this was all pretty funny. Until last night. She started the bloody murder scream again and I was thinking to myself "oh she'll go down easy for me." How wrong I was. She just wanted to be held and to be close to me. I brought in a pillow and blanket to lay by her bed thinking that would help. She climb right out of her bed, blanket in hand, and laid right on my pillow next to me. Eventually we moved to our bed where at least Ellie got some sleep. 

This morning as Cody was leaving for work I told him to not expect much from me today, I plan on taking multiple naps. Surprisingly once I got out of bed I was wide awake and haven't needed a nap, yet. The first few weeks with Ellie I was up every two hours feeding her. Last night we were in and out of sleep from 12 to 530, I think she is helping to prepare us for a new little one. Of course would like her to sleep like normal, through the night, but at the moment I am enjoying it. I'm trying to soak in as much one on one time as possible, even if that means snuggling on the floor while watching her sleep at 1:30 am. 

She is at such a fun age right now! Yesterday at lunch I was writing something on a piece of paper and she said something. My response was something along the lines of oh really but it wasn't good enough for her. She tilted her head to the side and leaned closer to me and repeated what she had said before. She was very excited that she could see a truck driving by and wanted to make sure I saw it to. 

She is trying so hard to be independent and do everything by herself. She loves to help me with anything I am doing, I can't wait until she can push the vacuum on her own! She loves to be outside and explore. We have a couple trees in the front of out house and she loves to listen to the birds and try to find them. She carries around the foot stool to be able to reach and see everything, that darn stool has literally been everywhere in this house. 

Seeing her try to put on her own shoes is funny but her trying to put my shoes on me is even more comical. The other day I asked of she wanted to go outside. Her response is always the same "siiide?!" as she runs to grab her shoes. She chooses which pair she wants, tennis shoes or sandals, and when she came into theliving  room and saw I didn't have mine on yet kept saying uh oh! with a very concerned look on her face. 

She is still a difficult eater and we are working on keeping news foods available to her to try. If she could have it her way she would eat pancakes and hot dogs for every meal! She knows exactly where the hot dogs are and asks for them daily, at least I know there is always something she will eat at a bbq! The worst part about her not eating too much is that I feel guilty for throwing food away and usually end up eating whatever she doesn't. Yesterday it was Mac and cheese, a definite no but she loved helping me make it! Today was a quesadilla, surprisingly she loved it! So when I am craving the left overs in the fridge for lunch I usually don't get to eat them for lunch because I'm finishing her lunch. 

She is going to be our little chef. She loves to help cook anything and everything. Ellie gets furious when I don't let her help stir anything on the stove, like taco meat that has hot oil occasionally splashing out. Her favorite spot is on the counter right next to me. That is also where I get her to eat most of her new foods, only certain foods will she eat at the table (maybe that's where she has to approve them first?). 

She loves to dance and read stories. She loves to play with her kitchen but sometimes I wonder why she isn't more girly. I guess I'm not super girly but still... She loves to squish ants with her fingers, how to train your dragon is one of her favorite movies, and she loves tractors and trucks. It doesn't help that we have about a million passing by our house daily, at least we can understand her when she says tractor. 

18 months is a pretty fun age and we are loving it. It's hard to believe we are going to have to start all over again but I am so excited. I am actually more nervous about Ellie getting older and becoming more of a kid than I am with having a newborn. We've done the newborn and at least have a vague idea of what to expect but toddlerhood is still foreign. Exciting but foreign. 

I found myself reading a very intriguing article (found here) about motherhood. The author talking about her mother says " I’m raising a family and doing all of the things she did when I was young. I want to remember her like that, I want to know her like that.  I want to ask her all about it and hear advice on how to do this mothering thing right."

It got me thinking, really thinking and that is scary because I don't admit having conversations with myself often and this one had me talking. What if Ellenor was an adult and we were friends, what would she see? Who would she see me as? Would she see me as everyone else sees me or as I see me?

If I were to introduce myself to her as an adult right now what would I say? Would I tell her that I absolutely hate change and that it has taken me two years to finally feel comfortable saying hi to more than two people at church? 

Would I tell her that I love having her as an excuse to get together with other moms for an afternoon? That I like play dates because it means I get adult time with other women and sometimes don't even think about how she will do with the other kids. 

Would I tell her that I really am a messy person and the only reason the house stays clean is because she gets anxious if its a complete disaster? Or would I lie and just tell her that I love cleaning and organization is a hobby of mine to make myself look better. 

Would I tell her that having kids makes the whole dinner situation awful? Having someone tug on your leg for attention or making a mess in the other room while you try to boil noodles makes me never want to cook again ever and force everyone to eat cold cereal for every meal. And don't tempt me because if I could I would eat cold cereal every meal.

Would I tell her that having kids was the best decision I have ever made and wouldn't change it for the world? Or would I complain about all that can go wrong in a day and by wrong I mean not the way I planned because she wants to just sit and read a book or listen to the birds outside or play patty cake for the one thousandth time. 

Would I tell her how amazing her dad is or would she feel embarrassed by how giddy I still get every time I talk about Cody?

Would she feel comfortable to ask me for my advice or would she be able to see that I really don't have anything together and that I am really the one who needs all the advice I can get? 

Its a very good thing Ellenor is still so young. As far as I know she still likes me and loves to help with anything I am doing. She doesn't see me as the rest of the world sees me and she definitely doesn't see me the way I see myself. And that is a good thing. That means that I still have time to be a better mom, the best mother to her and her sister that I can be. She doesn't know the world's/cyberspace's definition of super mom. As far as she knows, and I plan on keeping it that way for as long as possible, I am the best mom. I am her mom and that is enough.

If Ellenor could know me right now, I hope that she would know the best side of me. Not the side that cries occasionally when Cody gets home out of relief from having help. Or the side of me that will sometimes give her a mean glare as I tell her to knock it off while shes screaming and twisting during a diaper change. I would want her to know the side of me that feels so much better at the end of the day when I know I have spent quality time with her even if that means showering at 5:15 as dad is on his way home from work. Or the side of me that randomly gets teary eyed as we are snuggling in bed in the morning because she is growing up so fast and its amazing to see the amazing person she is becoming. I want her to see the side of me that is willing to do anything to make her and her dad happy, even if that means singing pop corn popping for fifteen minutes straight on the ride home from the store. 

This mother's day instead of thinking about my mother, I'm thinking about my daughter. My list is long of things I need to improve on the be the kind of mother she deserves but I'm so glad I get the opportunity to teach her and raise her. Both of our girls.