No one warns you that motherhood is also another word for torture. And I'm not talking about the actual labor and delivery part. 

Usually Ellie looks like an orphan child, comfy clothes (sometimes with holes in them or stains), hair undone an all over the place, and matching clothes? Aren't those only for leaving the house? 

When we do go somewhere we do her hair in the only thing possible at his point, pigtails! She has an awesome mullet going on. After we finished her hair to other day she got ahold of the ubber bands and decide to dump them all over the floor. And not only dump them but throw hem everywhere as if she were a flower girl in a wedding. Of course I moan about the mess she made as I sat back down on the floor to pick them all up. But it was a trap! 

Ellenor grabbed my face and pushed it so I was looking straight ahead, grabbed the spray bottle and brush and went to town! If I moved my head she would push it back. She brushed and talked and brushed some more. Occasionally smacking me in the head with the spray bottle while making a spraying shhhhh noise. Her version of brushing wasn't going up and down like I had taught her but in circles, fast circles while my hair got a nice matted look to it. It was a nice looking nest once she was done with it.

And I should get an award for being the best wife ever. A couple weeks ago Cody and I decided we needed a date. We dropped Ellie off early Saturday morning and headed to the temple and to grab some lunch afterwards. Cody has specific meals he gets whenever we go somewhere and rarely changes it up. At Applebee's he always gets some kind of a orange chicken salad bowl. I decided to get a steak and he copied me saying that they no longer carried the salad he liked. We argued and I swore up and down the the salad he got was an oriental one. 

Fast forward to last night. He has been takin 4 guys visiting work around showing them problems and issues that they have been having for the past few days. Last night was a late night and on their way home they stopped at Applebee's for dinner (it was the only thing open at 11:30pm) and they were still over an hour away from burley. Well Cody decided to listen to me and ordered the oriental salad. Poor guy came home hungry. Not only was it the wrong sala but apparently it did not taste good at all and had no lettuce, just cabbage. 

Moral of the story is this: I need to find a way to gain back his trust so he believes that everything I say is the truth and that I'm always right. Or at least occasionally. 

Instead of being upset because Ellie has been up quite a bit the last few nights I think she is getting me prepared for a new baby. Tuesday night I had awful heartburn, thank heavens it only hits at night, but it was the worst I have ever had it and thought I was going to throw up. My least favorite thing. Cody was great and would rock her back to sleep but very time he went to lay her down she woke right back up and would start screaming. She just really did not want to be alone. I am not sure if he climb in her bed to snuggle with her or not but I know he did sit there for quite sometime running her back while she slept. Of course waking when he's try to leave. 

I'm a mean wife and thought this was all pretty funny. Until last night. She started the bloody murder scream again and I was thinking to myself "oh she'll go down easy for me." How wrong I was. She just wanted to be held and to be close to me. I brought in a pillow and blanket to lay by her bed thinking that would help. She climb right out of her bed, blanket in hand, and laid right on my pillow next to me. Eventually we moved to our bed where at least Ellie got some sleep. 

This morning as Cody was leaving for work I told him to not expect much from me today, I plan on taking multiple naps. Surprisingly once I got out of bed I was wide awake and haven't needed a nap, yet. The first few weeks with Ellie I was up every two hours feeding her. Last night we were in and out of sleep from 12 to 530, I think she is helping to prepare us for a new little one. Of course would like her to sleep like normal, through the night, but at the moment I am enjoying it. I'm trying to soak in as much one on one time as possible, even if that means snuggling on the floor while watching her sleep at 1:30 am. 

She is at such a fun age right now! Yesterday at lunch I was writing something on a piece of paper and she said something. My response was something along the lines of oh really but it wasn't good enough for her. She tilted her head to the side and leaned closer to me and repeated what she had said before. She was very excited that she could see a truck driving by and wanted to make sure I saw it to. 

She is trying so hard to be independent and do everything by herself. She loves to help me with anything I am doing, I can't wait until she can push the vacuum on her own! She loves to be outside and explore. We have a couple trees in the front of out house and she loves to listen to the birds and try to find them. She carries around the foot stool to be able to reach and see everything, that darn stool has literally been everywhere in this house. 

Seeing her try to put on her own shoes is funny but her trying to put my shoes on me is even more comical. The other day I asked of she wanted to go outside. Her response is always the same "siiide?!" as she runs to grab her shoes. She chooses which pair she wants, tennis shoes or sandals, and when she came into theliving  room and saw I didn't have mine on yet kept saying uh oh! with a very concerned look on her face. 

She is still a difficult eater and we are working on keeping news foods available to her to try. If she could have it her way she would eat pancakes and hot dogs for every meal! She knows exactly where the hot dogs are and asks for them daily, at least I know there is always something she will eat at a bbq! The worst part about her not eating too much is that I feel guilty for throwing food away and usually end up eating whatever she doesn't. Yesterday it was Mac and cheese, a definite no but she loved helping me make it! Today was a quesadilla, surprisingly she loved it! So when I am craving the left overs in the fridge for lunch I usually don't get to eat them for lunch because I'm finishing her lunch. 

She is going to be our little chef. She loves to help cook anything and everything. Ellie gets furious when I don't let her help stir anything on the stove, like taco meat that has hot oil occasionally splashing out. Her favorite spot is on the counter right next to me. That is also where I get her to eat most of her new foods, only certain foods will she eat at the table (maybe that's where she has to approve them first?). 

She loves to dance and read stories. She loves to play with her kitchen but sometimes I wonder why she isn't more girly. I guess I'm not super girly but still... She loves to squish ants with her fingers, how to train your dragon is one of her favorite movies, and she loves tractors and trucks. It doesn't help that we have about a million passing by our house daily, at least we can understand her when she says tractor. 

18 months is a pretty fun age and we are loving it. It's hard to believe we are going to have to start all over again but I am so excited. I am actually more nervous about Ellie getting older and becoming more of a kid than I am with having a newborn. We've done the newborn and at least have a vague idea of what to expect but toddlerhood is still foreign. Exciting but foreign. 

I found myself reading a very intriguing article (found here) about motherhood. The author talking about her mother says " I’m raising a family and doing all of the things she did when I was young. I want to remember her like that, I want to know her like that.  I want to ask her all about it and hear advice on how to do this mothering thing right."

It got me thinking, really thinking and that is scary because I don't admit having conversations with myself often and this one had me talking. What if Ellenor was an adult and we were friends, what would she see? Who would she see me as? Would she see me as everyone else sees me or as I see me?

If I were to introduce myself to her as an adult right now what would I say? Would I tell her that I absolutely hate change and that it has taken me two years to finally feel comfortable saying hi to more than two people at church? 

Would I tell her that I love having her as an excuse to get together with other moms for an afternoon? That I like play dates because it means I get adult time with other women and sometimes don't even think about how she will do with the other kids. 

Would I tell her that I really am a messy person and the only reason the house stays clean is because she gets anxious if its a complete disaster? Or would I lie and just tell her that I love cleaning and organization is a hobby of mine to make myself look better. 

Would I tell her that having kids makes the whole dinner situation awful? Having someone tug on your leg for attention or making a mess in the other room while you try to boil noodles makes me never want to cook again ever and force everyone to eat cold cereal for every meal. And don't tempt me because if I could I would eat cold cereal every meal.

Would I tell her that having kids was the best decision I have ever made and wouldn't change it for the world? Or would I complain about all that can go wrong in a day and by wrong I mean not the way I planned because she wants to just sit and read a book or listen to the birds outside or play patty cake for the one thousandth time. 

Would I tell her how amazing her dad is or would she feel embarrassed by how giddy I still get every time I talk about Cody?

Would she feel comfortable to ask me for my advice or would she be able to see that I really don't have anything together and that I am really the one who needs all the advice I can get? 

Its a very good thing Ellenor is still so young. As far as I know she still likes me and loves to help with anything I am doing. She doesn't see me as the rest of the world sees me and she definitely doesn't see me the way I see myself. And that is a good thing. That means that I still have time to be a better mom, the best mother to her and her sister that I can be. She doesn't know the world's/cyberspace's definition of super mom. As far as she knows, and I plan on keeping it that way for as long as possible, I am the best mom. I am her mom and that is enough.

If Ellenor could know me right now, I hope that she would know the best side of me. Not the side that cries occasionally when Cody gets home out of relief from having help. Or the side of me that will sometimes give her a mean glare as I tell her to knock it off while shes screaming and twisting during a diaper change. I would want her to know the side of me that feels so much better at the end of the day when I know I have spent quality time with her even if that means showering at 5:15 as dad is on his way home from work. Or the side of me that randomly gets teary eyed as we are snuggling in bed in the morning because she is growing up so fast and its amazing to see the amazing person she is becoming. I want her to see the side of me that is willing to do anything to make her and her dad happy, even if that means singing pop corn popping for fifteen minutes straight on the ride home from the store. 

This mother's day instead of thinking about my mother, I'm thinking about my daughter. My list is long of things I need to improve on the be the kind of mother she deserves but I'm so glad I get the opportunity to teach her and raise her. Both of our girls.

Some days you just need a good chat. Last night it was with my dad. With all the craziness that he has been dealing with (getting grandma's house packed up and moved all the while trying to get their own house packed and mission papers in) he is still just as amazing as ever.

We were talking about perspective. The care taker lady that visits my grandmother for a few hours a day enjoys it because her mother at home sometimes doesn't even remember who she is. As we were discussing perspective and how things always seem terrible to us until we hear someone else's story it reminded me of a quote from my favorite movie, Ever After.

"No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse."

The funny part about it was as we were saying our goodbyes I asked if there was anything we could do to help and dad just said come and trade me. Jokingly I told him that I'd love to come pack if he wanted to be pregnant.  I may have complained for a minute or two about how this kid is sure making herself cozy in my ribs and that Ellenor's new favorite thing is to sit in front of me and bounce off my belly. But really I have nothing to complain about.

Sometimes I like to think I have it bad, well not bad necessarily but I think if possible I would change things. For example, the house we live in. Its a smaller two bedroom house but it definitely has a lot of space and I love that. A few weeks ago I found myself annoyed that the kitchen was so close to our bedroom. If only we had more space between our bedroom and the kitchen, even a set of stairs would help, than maybe Cody would actually make me breakfast in bed. We used to get breakfast in bed on special occasions like birthdays. I know this is completely ridiculous to even be admitting but it bothered me.

We try to spend as much time outside as possible when it's nice because Idaho weather is very unpredictable. The wind can pick up fast speeds in no time! I have quite a bit of schoolwork built up from last week that is due on Friday and of course there is getting the house put back together and laundry to do.

But despite all the inside needs we decided to head outside for a bit. I love having a toddler! She notices every little thing about the yard and the outside of the house. Flowers are the most intriguing thing of the day to touch. We sat on the front patio for a good ten minutes watching the trees and listening to the birds. Every time a new chirping sound was made she would point with an excited smile and ask what's that?!

We switched Ellenor's bed the other night and I was pretty nervous. I was afraid we would be up all night trying to keep her in her bed and constantly fighting her. She usually sleeps great and will even take me into her room when she is ready for a nap. Saturday night we kept her up a little bit later to make sure she was tired before laying her down in bed. When we laid her down in bed she went right to sleep! We didn't change anything about her bed except for the side railing. We also switched which side her head goes and that had me worried. So far it hasn't bugged her. When she wakes up she still stands by the door on her bed and either taps the handle or plays with the light switch. She knows how to get on and off of her bed but for some reason she still likes to stand there and wait for us to come and get her. I think not having a lot of toys and playing in her room has helped a lot with this transition. The only toys are a few stuffed animals in her closet but we shut it at night.

I really hope I'm not jinxing myself by writing this but I'm glad it's been easy so far. She's been really good at going down to bed and she's usually great at taking naps but last week had me really worried. We both knew she would be ready soon and with this new babies arrival fast approaching we decided to just go for it!

I am not a huge fan of giving an excuse to everything a child does. Like tantrums for example must mean they are either hungry, tired, or teething. Well... Turns out Ellenor has been popping out a molar, her first one!

Now I'm not complaining, she has really been great. She is pretty emotional (Cody says its because she's my daughter but we don't tell him we agree). She gets so tired in the afternoons but does not want to take a nap. The last few days have been amazing because she is in such a snugly mood! She has never been a cuddly kind of kid, she wants to explore and watch whatever is going on. The last few days we have both been able to take much needed naps on the couch for at least a good hour in the afternoon. And yes, I will milk this for as long as she is willing to let me! I miss watching her sleep so peacefully on my shoulder and hug her blanket. It is the sweetest thing ever and I don't want to forget it.

On a random note, I had the craziest dream last night. I was shopping at a local market and was searching for a new phone cover. All of the ones they had were cats doing different things or posed with different kinds of flowers. The craziest part is that I was excited about a cat phone cover! I HATE cats! I would never in a million years choose a stupid cat to protect my phone. Thank heavens there are a lot of cuter options than only cats!