It got me thinking, really thinking and that is scary because I don't admit having conversations with myself often and this one had me talking. What if Ellenor was an adult and we were friends, what would she see? Who would she see me as? Would she see me as everyone else sees me or as I see me?
If I were to introduce myself to her as an adult right now what would I say? Would I tell her that I absolutely hate change and that it has taken me two years to finally feel comfortable saying hi to more than two people at church?
Would I tell her that I love having her as an excuse to get together with other moms for an afternoon? That I like play dates because it means I get adult time with other women and sometimes don't even think about how she will do with the other kids.
Would I tell her that I really am a messy person and the only reason the house stays clean is because she gets anxious if its a complete disaster? Or would I lie and just tell her that I love cleaning and organization is a hobby of mine to make myself look better.
Would I tell her that having kids makes the whole dinner situation awful? Having someone tug on your leg for attention or making a mess in the other room while you try to boil noodles makes me never want to cook again ever and force everyone to eat cold cereal for every meal. And don't tempt me because if I could I would eat cold cereal every meal.
Would I tell her that having kids was the best decision I have ever made and wouldn't change it for the world? Or would I complain about all that can go wrong in a day and by wrong I mean not the way I planned because she wants to just sit and read a book or listen to the birds outside or play patty cake for the one thousandth time.
Would I tell her how amazing her dad is or would she feel embarrassed by how giddy I still get every time I talk about Cody?
Would she feel comfortable to ask me for my advice or would she be able to see that I really don't have anything together and that I am really the one who needs all the advice I can get?
Its a very good thing Ellenor is still so young. As far as I know she still likes me and loves to help with anything I am doing. She doesn't see me as the rest of the world sees me and she definitely doesn't see me the way I see myself. And that is a good thing. That means that I still have time to be a better mom, the best mother to her and her sister that I can be. She doesn't know the world's/cyberspace's definition of super mom. As far as she knows, and I plan on keeping it that way for as long as possible, I am the best mom. I am her mom and that is enough.
If Ellenor could know me right now, I hope that she would know the best side of me. Not the side that cries occasionally when Cody gets home out of relief from having help. Or the side of me that will sometimes give her a mean glare as I tell her to knock it off while shes screaming and twisting during a diaper change. I would want her to know the side of me that feels so much better at the end of the day when I know I have spent quality time with her even if that means showering at 5:15 as dad is on his way home from work. Or the side of me that randomly gets teary eyed as we are snuggling in bed in the morning because she is growing up so fast and its amazing to see the amazing person she is becoming. I want her to see the side of me that is willing to do anything to make her and her dad happy, even if that means singing pop corn popping for fifteen minutes straight on the ride home from the store.
This mother's day instead of thinking about my mother, I'm thinking about my daughter. My list is long of things I need to improve on the be the kind of mother she deserves but I'm so glad I get the opportunity to teach her and raise her. Both of our girls.
I read the article yesterday too and loved it. And I think I love your blog post equally as much! brought many thoughts to mind. beautiful words from a beautiful mommy! thanks Jayme!
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