This past month...

Just checking in to say hello, we are still alive. And doing well. Well, as well as we can at the moment. Some days are really great- very productive and happy. Others are not nearly as productive and filled with sadness and worry. Worrying that we will never again get to hold a brand new baby that is ours. I watched as Cody held a friends baby the other day and couldn’t help but think how natural it was, how comfortable he was holding a baby. Before Ellie he would barely hold his niece or nephews.

I had one of those freak out days this week. Thoughts running through my head that never seem to stop. What if we decide to get pregnant again and lose another baby. What if we can’t even get pregnant. What if, what if, what if. All negative and hopeless thoughts. Cody came home and knew that something was bothering me, he knows me all too well (thank heavens). As I cried into his shirt all my fears and worries he kept saying “Trust the Lord and his timing. Just have faith. Just have hope. Things will work out. Its ok.” And that ladies and gentlemen is why our marriage works. Because on days when I am crazy and on an emotional high (its not as fun as it sounds) he is there to level me out. When he is stressed and drowning up to his ears with work, I’m there to help him. It’s a win-win!

Besides the occasional melt down (its totally normal I’ve been told) we have been staying busy. We love fall.

One thing that I am grateful for lately is books. I hated reading when I was younger, I would just skim the assigned reading to find the answers and never really read the book. I try to read often and jump around with different kinds of books. I love children and young adult books that I should have read as a kid and never did. I just finished Ella Enchanted and LOVED it, so much better than the movie. Movies almost ruin how good the books really are. I bounce around between thought provoking books to mysteries to young adult and youth. I love fluff books- make you feel good, quick easy reads, you smile the entire way through. But I’ve also found reading very humbling, others struggle with different things and seeing them overcome adversity brings hope. I just started reading the Narnia series yesterday. There is a book before the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe!!! See, movies ruin things. Also small town libraries stink- they have small selections and you have to wait a while after you request a book.

Another thing that helped me survive the first week after losing our babies was Netflix and TV shows. That probably sounds terrible but its true. And this is my story I’m writing. After I’d put the girls down for a nap there would be silence. An awful, dull silence that screamed for you to come into its depths and never speak again. OK maybe it wasn’t that creepy but I didn’t want to just sit around for two hours and think about everything that happened, I’d done enough crying. So I watched a lot of TV shows and did every puzzle we own. And bought a few more 1000 piece puzzles that were on sale. If I get enough to call it a collection does it still count as an obsession? I like puzzles and got to the point where one Sunday Cody took a nap and when he woke up I was already done with a 500 piece puzzle and halfway through another. I also discovered a new love- HGTV. We don’t have cable and all these new shows about beautiful houses, like Fixer Upper, were a heaven sent. I didn’t want to watch a show that had a lady pregnant for an entire season and our usual show of Bones or NCIS where someone dies every single episode. They just weren’t cutting it.

I finally feel like I am getting back to a normal me. Being sick for 3 ½ months during a rough pregnancy and then recovering physically for another two weeks definitely got me wanting to move. I started running again and love it.
Also food. This past week I’ve been able to get back into the routine of making real meals but I am definitely feeling it in my waist. Today, out of guilt for leaving Cody to fend for himself (and make the girls food) for the past 4 months, I decided to make some freezer meals. As much as I love cooking, it gets exhausting and would be nice to just pull something out of the freezer and pop it in the oven. My one piece of advice for anyone doing freezer meals is plan. Plan and follow a recipe. I don’t follow recipes and just decided to double what I usually do for enchiladas thinking it would give me four 8x8 pans. Wrong. I now have six. And five pans of lasagna.

We’ve tried to stay busy and do the normal fall activities with the girls this fall. We headed to the mountains with friends for a nature walk and have had a lot of morning cuddles.

We went to the straw maze one night. Its our friends who run it and their dog can jump on top of the straw bales. Well Ellie being the dog loving kid that she is lead us for a good 20 minutes in the maze trying to get us back to the entrance where the dog was. They also sell the best caramel apples there- they have a layer of white chocolate on the outside! I decided to eat Cody’s for breakfast one morning but karma came back to get me. As I was trying to get the slices out of the apple corer I totally sliced my thumb open. That’s what I get for being selfish, not sharing, and eating someone else’s treat.

If you want to read the exciting part of finding out we were having twins only read the first half. If you want to read the rest of the story then continue on.

Its has been just over a week since we lost our two little babes but I still wanted to document our time with them because through it I am able to see just how much we are loved.

We started trying to add another child to our family in June and I had been counting down the days that I could test to see if we had been successful. On Kate’s second birthday, July 9^th, I tested positive. We were going to have another baby! We were elated!!!

I felt good for about a week and a half after finding out and then it was all downhill after that. I had terrible morning sickness and constant migraines. I took Kate to her the doctors for a checkup at the beginning of August and her doctor asked if they watched more than two hours of television a day and in my mind I was laughing hysterically because that was pretty much all we had done for the past month.

Everything was intensified and much worse than my pregnancies with the girls. But we were getting a baby out of it so it was ok. We didn’t want to tell any family until we at least heard the heartbeat. I made my appointment for around 10 ½ weeks along and was looking forward to feeling better.

But I never made it to that appointment. It was scheduled for Thursday morning and on Wednesday morning I started bleeding, heavily. I called Cody crying and then the doctor’s office. My doctor was doing a procedure at the hospital but they scheduled me to come in in an hour and a half and to lay down until then.

Cody met us at the hospital and sat in the car with the girls while I went in. The nurse was a new lady that I had never met before and just kept giving me sympathetic looks and telling me that when the doctor got there he could tell me what was going on. He finally came in and said “Let’s not waste any time.” He grabbed the Doppler and couldn’t find a heartbeat so he went to get a handheld ultrasound. I held my breath until I heard the heartbeat and let out a sigh of relief. He didn’t show any emotion as he looked. I asked if the baby was measuring about where we thought and he said that the baby was hunched forward and that wasn’t normal.

Holy crap! What is wrong with my baby!!!! He told me that there was something behind the 

baby, he showed me with the ultrasound that there was the baby and when he moved it to the side that there was something there as well. He said there could be two babies. I was in shock. I immediately texted Cody and crossed my fingers that my phone didn’t die before I got more information. He scheduled me for an ultrasound an hour later and had my blood drawn. As I was waiting for the lab lady to come in he walked by the door waving two fingers. I still didn’t believe him and thought he really was just messing with me.

We grabbed a quick lunch while we waited and talked about how crazy it would be if I was pregnant with twins. Cody didn’t believe it and I was in shock. Cody again waited in the car while I went into the hospital to have a formal ultrasound done. The tech immediately pointed out that there were two heads. There’s a sign that says you’re not allowed to take pictures of the screen but the tech let me send a quick one to Cody to let him know that there really were two.

I practically ran back out to the car to show Cody pictures and to celebrate! The kids were in the back watching a movie and Cody kept asking if I was serious. Ellie was very curious as to why we were so exciting and why mom was crying. We were over the moon. We were going to have two babies!!! TWINS!! Most likely identical and if that was the case the same gender.

I told my sister immediately and we ended up telling Cody’s parents that weekend. We slowly told all our siblings and had to wait until my parents got back from their mission to tell them in person. We were all so excited and had already been making a list of what we’d need and how much everything was realistically going to cost. Cody was even going to work at nights during harvest to help with the finances. We had it all figured out. 

We'd discussed every aspect of adding two more kids to our bunch. How we would handle church and grocery shopping, sleeping arrangements, tandem nursing. Everything was planned out in our minds except know the real plan.
I was still feeling pretty terrible but we were having twins and it made sense as to why my symptoms seemed to be intensified. I told a handful of friends around 13 weeks and pretty soon everyone around us knew. I decided to post it on Facebook and Instagram that Sunday because I would have rather heard people say they saw my post than someone had told them.

Unfortunately there were other plans in the works. My parents were coming to visit on Wednesday and would arrive shortly after my next doctors appointment. I was up all night on Tuesday excited to potentially have another ultrasound and I couldn’t get there fast enough. I settle into the office and the nurse uses the Doppler to find the heartbeats. And finds nothing.

I texted Cody and he was just as nervous as I was. I’d keep him posted but I’m sure the nurse was just looking at the wrong spot. I thought it was a long wait before the doctor came in and asked how I was doing. I told him I was nervous that she couldn’t find the heartbeats and again he didn’t waste anytime. After the Doppler didn’t turn up anything he again grabbed the ultrasound equipment. The first time he instantly found a heartbeat but this time there wasn’t anything. He ordered another formal ultrasound because his was just a triage one, not nearly as effective as the ones in radiology. I texted Cody, he’d been in meetings all morning in Twin and he said he’d be right over.

I felt bad for crying so much in their office but the nurse was great and gave me a lot of tissues while I waited for news of when they could squeeze me into radiology. Thankfully I was able to head straight over with the instructions to come immediately back to my doctors office after. As I am bawling in radiology the receptionist led me to a changing room so I didn’t have to feel so embarrassed. Cody arrived and we both cried and waited together.

This time our ultrasound was the exact opposite of what it had been only a month before. The previous one the tech and I had laughed and chatted about how many kids we had, she had one daughter. This time it was full of her apologizing and telling me that she will hurry as fast as she can so we can get back to talk to our doctor. Cody just hung his head and I wont ever be able to forget the look of complete despair on his face. He’s a planner and doesn’t get excited about babies until it’s just about time for them to arrive. That wasn’t the case with these two.

We headed back to the doctors and waited for the results to be brought to my doctor. We waited 45 long minutes knowing that they were gone but not what was next. My doctor is amazing and talked to us for a long time and talked about what our options were. I could go home and wait for my body to pass them naturally, could be given medication to start labor and deliver them, or I could opt for a D&C where they go in and clean all the remaining tissue out. I opted for a D&C and was able to be scheduled for later that afternoon. I didn't want to have to labor and not have a baby to take home and I didn't want to see their tiny lifeless bodies.

We went home and were able to spend a few hours snuggling and holding our two beautiful daughters before my parents arrived. They were able to watch the girls while Cody came with me to the hospital. He is the most amazing husband, he's my rock and I couldn't have done any of this without him.

I felt bad for our poor nurses, my body was so tired of crying that I couldn’t help but make jokes and tried to forget the real reason we were there. When they told me to say goodbye to Cody I cried knowing that this was the last time that we would be pregnant with our twins even though they weren’t still alive.

The staff was so great, so sensitive to what we were going through and king. And again, I felt bad for them having to deal with us. The anesthesiologist told me which nurse would be in the OR and which would be in recovery with me. I told him that’s good to know so if its not a specific nurse I was heading towards organ donation. I feel bad for them and I wasn’t even drugged up yet.

I was scared having to move beds in the OR, it was freezing in there and I really didn’t want to see all the instruments that they were going to use. I didn’t want to see how they were going to take these two precious babies from me and was glad that seconds after moving beds  I was out.

I woke up in recovery coughing and they moved something from my mouth. I couldn’t help but cry. My doctor came to check on me and ask how I was doing. I told him that I had had the most terrible dream. My cruel dream was Ellie and Kate holding two sweet twins. Their siblings. But that would never happen now. He reassured me that it might be as dark as I was thinking, that it might not be in this lifetime that they were holding them.

I had a nasty fat lip, apparently I had bitten it at some point and asked the nurse in recovery if it was bleeding. Its been over a week and my lip is finally back to its normal size. We spent two hours in recovery and were finally able to return home.

The next couple of days were spent recovering and I thought I was very lucky because my cramping wasn’t very bad and I wasn't in much physical pain. I must have just been in hostess mode with my parents here because as soon as they left on Saturday I felt awful. Recovery has been interesting and not what I expected.

But what is even more interesting is grief and the emotional aspect. I can’t help but feel the Lord’s hand in everything that has happened. We were able to celebrate these two special lives with our family and friends. And at first it was hard for me to understand other peoples grief, it is our loss, but they also loved these two children. The timing couldn’t have been better with my parents coming and having friends in our lives who have experienced the same things we are going through.Cody had been driving back from meetings when  I had texted him to come and didn't have any more. I didn't have the scare of losing the babies alone at home.

At first I was bitter that we had shared our news with everyone but after going to church on Sunday I know exactly why we had. I don’t know how many women that I admire and look up to come up to me and tell me that they know exactly what I am going through. I’ve had so many friends and family share with me their testimonies and the knowledge that they have that their Savior loves them.

 I found a quote that I love by Steven Eastmond in a talk called “The Healing Power of Grief.” It says, “Through the Atonement and Resurrection of His Son, Heavenly Father has provided a way for us not only to overcome death but also to be comforted and healed. Through the Atonement, “the sting of death” can be replaced by the peace that the Spirit brings.” If our souls are to be made whole again we must be dependent on the miracles of Christ’s Atonement. It wasn’t just for our sins but for our grief, sorrow, and pain. Our Savior suffered so that he could know exactly how we feel, what we are going through so that through the Holy Spirit we can be comforted. I know that through this trial I am not alone and I never have been.

We are sad that we will never get to raise a set of miraculous twins on this earth. But we are so blessed to have known them and loved them for even a short time of 14 weeks and will continue to always love them. They can never be replaced physically or in our hearts.

We've had a new life experience over the past few months. We've been through a rough pregnancy, celebrated telling family and friends that we were having not one but two babies! And we've also gone through losing those two sweet little ones. 

These are the pictures we took to announce that we were expecting again, little did we know at the time there was two. I love these pictures, they represent our girls so well and show their personalities. Also how excited they were for a baby. 

Over the next little bit I will document everything but for now enjoy these pictures of these amazing little girls who will make the most wonderful big sisters some day. (My favorite is Kate's dress stuck above her bum!) 

The weather has cooled down a little bit the last couple of days and we have taken full advantage. 

I usually only drive to town once a week but we've already been three times and it's only Thursday morning! 

We were going to start potty training Kate on Monday. I had her show her doll how to run to the bathroom when she needed to go and had the doll sit on the toilet and go to the bathroom (a saringe with water hidden behind the doll). I made a big deal about the baby going potty, hooping and hollering, clapping. Kate was not impressed. She said "baby potty, baby potty. Crackers mommy? Crackers?" She ran out of the bathroom climbed on the kitchen counter and te crackers. I'll try again another day. 

But planning to potty train we ran out of diapers, a trip to town, hooray! We decide to go for a walk and play on the river walk path. The girls love exploring and playing outside, it was the perfect start to our day. Not to mention all of us took a 2 hour nap after that! 

That night we somehow convinced Cody to get ice cream at Dairy Queen when he got home at 8:30pm because te kids had taken late naps. I love that he is easily persuaded when ice cream is involved! 

Kate got her first haircut yesterday!! Both girls look a lot better with their hair tamed and trimmed. Ellie refuses to let me do anything to it and it was starting to look straggly. Ellie thought the hair dresser was te absolute best because she put purple glitter in her hair when she was done! 

Because they were so good we celebrated with a pancake breakfast from Denny's. These girls are getting so good at eating out that when I'm feeling brave we go out to eat at places besides fast food. Love having my kids to go do thing with. 

After breakfast was another promise of going to the park. 

Ellie kept shouting "I'm Peter Pan!" while on the swings. I asked her what her happy thoughts were about because you have to have them to make pixie dust work. "Puppies!!!" And? "More puppies!!!" 

Time for a random picture dump that I'll count as an update! 

Summer is flying by fast! This past week we celebrated two birthday's, Kate's 2nd and my 25th.

The entire day Ellie would randomly yell, "ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY KATE KATE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"

For my birthday we dropped off the girl's with Cody's brother and headed to Lagoon, it was a blast! "ITS SO FLUFFY!"

We spent the Fourth of July watching small town parades and fireworks! Nothing sweeter than a dad loving on his littlest girl!

We have crazy sleepers. I probably have at least 50 pictures of these girls sleeping because they are funny.

I ran another half marathon and got an amazing PR (personal record)!!! Four seconds shy of 1 hour 50 minutes, I beat my previous one by 8 minutes!!! Love having a sister who encourages me and does these crazy adventures with me. Crossing the finish line to Kneaders french toast and an amazing family is pretty great also!

We've done a couple fun things this summer. We took the girls to a movie, our first time taking Kate. They loved the popcorn but Ellie did not like that it was 9 pm and she was not at home. The last half hour of the movie she kept saying she was tired and kept asking to go home.

We spent quite a bit of time at the park, in our back yard kiddie pool, and at the library to keep us cool.

Ellie loves the library, can't you tell?! She also asks to go on a picnic three times a week and fishing and camping at least twice.

 

Our garden is amazing this year. Seriously amazing. 

If its too hot in our house (because who needs AC when its triple digits?!) we retreat to the basement and put together a lot of puzzles and play a lot of board games. There are currently six different puzzles scattered all around down there, half the fun is trying to find which puzzle the pieces go to!

These girls love to create mischief together, use their hands in any way, and fight with each other.

We like to randomly meet up with Cody for lunch in town. The girls were a little hyper yesterday but we had a blast!

Kate is a serious food thief. It doesn't matter if she has literally just finished her meal, she will come after yours.

I've been spending a lot of early mornings watching the sunrise and can say that I live in a truly beautiful place. At the beginning of June I did a local Duathlon (2 mile run, 12 mile bike, 2 mile) and learned that I like running a lot better than biking! I was dead during the middle!

An attempted fathers day picture. They would not smile and its hilarious!

Maybe the next update will only be in 2 months!