The Searle's Stories

If you want to read the exciting part of finding out we were having twins only read the first half. If you want to read the rest of the story then continue on.

Its has been just over a week since we lost our two little babes but I still wanted to document our time with them because through it I am able to see just how much we are loved.

We started trying to add another child to our family in June and I had been counting down the days that I could test to see if we had been successful. On Kate’s second birthday, July 9^th, I tested positive. We were going to have another baby! We were elated!!!

I felt good for about a week and a half after finding out and then it was all downhill after that. I had terrible morning sickness and constant migraines. I took Kate to her the doctors for a checkup at the beginning of August and her doctor asked if they watched more than two hours of television a day and in my mind I was laughing hysterically because that was pretty much all we had done for the past month.

Everything was intensified and much worse than my pregnancies with the girls. But we were getting a baby out of it so it was ok. We didn’t want to tell any family until we at least heard the heartbeat. I made my appointment for around 10 ½ weeks along and was looking forward to feeling better.

But I never made it to that appointment. It was scheduled for Thursday morning and on Wednesday morning I started bleeding, heavily. I called Cody crying and then the doctor’s office. My doctor was doing a procedure at the hospital but they scheduled me to come in in an hour and a half and to lay down until then.

Cody met us at the hospital and sat in the car with the girls while I went in. The nurse was a new lady that I had never met before and just kept giving me sympathetic looks and telling me that when the doctor got there he could tell me what was going on. He finally came in and said “Let’s not waste any time.” He grabbed the Doppler and couldn’t find a heartbeat so he went to get a handheld ultrasound. I held my breath until I heard the heartbeat and let out a sigh of relief. He didn’t show any emotion as he looked. I asked if the baby was measuring about where we thought and he said that the baby was hunched forward and that wasn’t normal.

Holy crap! What is wrong with my baby!!!! He told me that there was something behind the 

baby, he showed me with the ultrasound that there was the baby and when he moved it to the side that there was something there as well. He said there could be two babies. I was in shock. I immediately texted Cody and crossed my fingers that my phone didn’t die before I got more information. He scheduled me for an ultrasound an hour later and had my blood drawn. As I was waiting for the lab lady to come in he walked by the door waving two fingers. I still didn’t believe him and thought he really was just messing with me.

We grabbed a quick lunch while we waited and talked about how crazy it would be if I was pregnant with twins. Cody didn’t believe it and I was in shock. Cody again waited in the car while I went into the hospital to have a formal ultrasound done. The tech immediately pointed out that there were two heads. There’s a sign that says you’re not allowed to take pictures of the screen but the tech let me send a quick one to Cody to let him know that there really were two.

I practically ran back out to the car to show Cody pictures and to celebrate! The kids were in the back watching a movie and Cody kept asking if I was serious. Ellie was very curious as to why we were so exciting and why mom was crying. We were over the moon. We were going to have two babies!!! TWINS!! Most likely identical and if that was the case the same gender.

I told my sister immediately and we ended up telling Cody’s parents that weekend. We slowly told all our siblings and had to wait until my parents got back from their mission to tell them in person. We were all so excited and had already been making a list of what we’d need and how much everything was realistically going to cost. Cody was even going to work at nights during harvest to help with the finances. We had it all figured out. 

We'd discussed every aspect of adding two more kids to our bunch. How we would handle church and grocery shopping, sleeping arrangements, tandem nursing. Everything was planned out in our minds except know the real plan.
I was still feeling pretty terrible but we were having twins and it made sense as to why my symptoms seemed to be intensified. I told a handful of friends around 13 weeks and pretty soon everyone around us knew. I decided to post it on Facebook and Instagram that Sunday because I would have rather heard people say they saw my post than someone had told them.

Unfortunately there were other plans in the works. My parents were coming to visit on Wednesday and would arrive shortly after my next doctors appointment. I was up all night on Tuesday excited to potentially have another ultrasound and I couldn’t get there fast enough. I settle into the office and the nurse uses the Doppler to find the heartbeats. And finds nothing.

I texted Cody and he was just as nervous as I was. I’d keep him posted but I’m sure the nurse was just looking at the wrong spot. I thought it was a long wait before the doctor came in and asked how I was doing. I told him I was nervous that she couldn’t find the heartbeats and again he didn’t waste anytime. After the Doppler didn’t turn up anything he again grabbed the ultrasound equipment. The first time he instantly found a heartbeat but this time there wasn’t anything. He ordered another formal ultrasound because his was just a triage one, not nearly as effective as the ones in radiology. I texted Cody, he’d been in meetings all morning in Twin and he said he’d be right over.

I felt bad for crying so much in their office but the nurse was great and gave me a lot of tissues while I waited for news of when they could squeeze me into radiology. Thankfully I was able to head straight over with the instructions to come immediately back to my doctors office after. As I am bawling in radiology the receptionist led me to a changing room so I didn’t have to feel so embarrassed. Cody arrived and we both cried and waited together.

This time our ultrasound was the exact opposite of what it had been only a month before. The previous one the tech and I had laughed and chatted about how many kids we had, she had one daughter. This time it was full of her apologizing and telling me that she will hurry as fast as she can so we can get back to talk to our doctor. Cody just hung his head and I wont ever be able to forget the look of complete despair on his face. He’s a planner and doesn’t get excited about babies until it’s just about time for them to arrive. That wasn’t the case with these two.

We headed back to the doctors and waited for the results to be brought to my doctor. We waited 45 long minutes knowing that they were gone but not what was next. My doctor is amazing and talked to us for a long time and talked about what our options were. I could go home and wait for my body to pass them naturally, could be given medication to start labor and deliver them, or I could opt for a D&C where they go in and clean all the remaining tissue out. I opted for a D&C and was able to be scheduled for later that afternoon. I didn't want to have to labor and not have a baby to take home and I didn't want to see their tiny lifeless bodies.

We went home and were able to spend a few hours snuggling and holding our two beautiful daughters before my parents arrived. They were able to watch the girls while Cody came with me to the hospital. He is the most amazing husband, he's my rock and I couldn't have done any of this without him.

I felt bad for our poor nurses, my body was so tired of crying that I couldn’t help but make jokes and tried to forget the real reason we were there. When they told me to say goodbye to Cody I cried knowing that this was the last time that we would be pregnant with our twins even though they weren’t still alive.

The staff was so great, so sensitive to what we were going through and king. And again, I felt bad for them having to deal with us. The anesthesiologist told me which nurse would be in the OR and which would be in recovery with me. I told him that’s good to know so if its not a specific nurse I was heading towards organ donation. I feel bad for them and I wasn’t even drugged up yet.

I was scared having to move beds in the OR, it was freezing in there and I really didn’t want to see all the instruments that they were going to use. I didn’t want to see how they were going to take these two precious babies from me and was glad that seconds after moving beds  I was out.

I woke up in recovery coughing and they moved something from my mouth. I couldn’t help but cry. My doctor came to check on me and ask how I was doing. I told him that I had had the most terrible dream. My cruel dream was Ellie and Kate holding two sweet twins. Their siblings. But that would never happen now. He reassured me that it might be as dark as I was thinking, that it might not be in this lifetime that they were holding them.

I had a nasty fat lip, apparently I had bitten it at some point and asked the nurse in recovery if it was bleeding. Its been over a week and my lip is finally back to its normal size. We spent two hours in recovery and were finally able to return home.

The next couple of days were spent recovering and I thought I was very lucky because my cramping wasn’t very bad and I wasn't in much physical pain. I must have just been in hostess mode with my parents here because as soon as they left on Saturday I felt awful. Recovery has been interesting and not what I expected.

But what is even more interesting is grief and the emotional aspect. I can’t help but feel the Lord’s hand in everything that has happened. We were able to celebrate these two special lives with our family and friends. And at first it was hard for me to understand other peoples grief, it is our loss, but they also loved these two children. The timing couldn’t have been better with my parents coming and having friends in our lives who have experienced the same things we are going through.Cody had been driving back from meetings when  I had texted him to come and didn't have any more. I didn't have the scare of losing the babies alone at home.

At first I was bitter that we had shared our news with everyone but after going to church on Sunday I know exactly why we had. I don’t know how many women that I admire and look up to come up to me and tell me that they know exactly what I am going through. I’ve had so many friends and family share with me their testimonies and the knowledge that they have that their Savior loves them.

 I found a quote that I love by Steven Eastmond in a talk called “The Healing Power of Grief.” It says, “Through the Atonement and Resurrection of His Son, Heavenly Father has provided a way for us not only to overcome death but also to be comforted and healed. Through the Atonement, “the sting of death” can be replaced by the peace that the Spirit brings.” If our souls are to be made whole again we must be dependent on the miracles of Christ’s Atonement. It wasn’t just for our sins but for our grief, sorrow, and pain. Our Savior suffered so that he could know exactly how we feel, what we are going through so that through the Holy Spirit we can be comforted. I know that through this trial I am not alone and I never have been.

We are sad that we will never get to raise a set of miraculous twins on this earth. But we are so blessed to have known them and loved them for even a short time of 14 weeks and will continue to always love them. They can never be replaced physically or in our hearts.