The Searle's Stories

I love reading blogs. Part of my morning routine while laying in bed is reading the daily blogs and snuggling with miss Ellie. What I love most about it is how open these women are with their lives and their opinions. I can honestly say that I am not that way. I fear of writing what I really want because it might offend people or make them look at me in a different light. I also have a hard time writing down my struggles, not because I am pretending to be someone I'm not but because its hard to admit I was wrong and made mistakes. It's a tough pill to swallow. 

I’ve been struggling the last couple of weeks more than usual. School has been one that I’ve been having trouble with. I used to never try and only do the minimum required to get a C in any class but most importantly I didn’t care about grades. Since I’ve met Cody he has pushed me to get the best grades possible and really encouraged me that I could do great if I applied myself. 

A few weeks ago I took a test and got a 70%, it was a huge blow! I had spent so much time and thought I really understood the material. I had a meltdown and I am pretty sure I scared Cody with how much really came out all at once. I have been tempted to quit this semester and not finish. I feel like I need as much time with Ellenor as possible before this baby comes. I feel like I am not giving 100% effort in anything I’m doing.

September 2010, Our first anniversary and 20 lbs heavier than on our wedding day. One of the only pictures I have from the summer/fall 2010 and I only have one that is a full body shot, mostly just face.

Part of the melt down was stressing about weight and being able to lose it after this baby is here. I found a picture of me in October 2010 of me at over 200 pounds, the only one I have. I look miserable and disgusting, it’s sad to see. I knew that I want to run after this baby comes but that’s going to be extremely hard during the summer with Cody at work and a newborn. I was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to lose the baby weight and get back to 200 pounds. We talked about it, after crying for a good long time, and decided to get a treadmill. At that point I had already gained over ten pounds and was not even half way through this pregnancy. Last week when I went to doctors I had gained another six pounds in one month.

It’s been really tough. I had been eating better and exercising and I still gained a lot of weight. In a few weeks I have the gestational diabetes test and it has been stressing me out. Both of my sisters have had it and I am scared. With Ellenor I failed the first test and had to do a three hour test. I just barely missed the mark and I don’t want it to be that close again. At my last appointment my doctor mentioned it and since then I've been keeping close track of everything I eat and logging it.

Nov 2012- The day after we found out we were pregnant, such a difference in my face!

This pregnancy is already a lot different than from when I was pregnant with Ellie. I thought I was cute and pregnant but I knew I wasn't showing very much because I already had a lot of extra weight. With this one it seems like its all baby and I am loving it! I love being able to know exactly where she is and when Cody rubs my belly I know its her he is feeling and not just a ton of fat. With Ellie it seemed by stomach was huge and this time its one concentrated area. I've been using my treadmill everyday and it is so hard to only walk on it not run. 

6 months! Left:Ellenor Right:Little Sister!

 With Ellie I wore plus sized clothes my mom had given me from her closet. With this one I am still able to wear a lot of regular shirts, size large and extra large! I put on shorts yesterday and had to laugh. When I had just found out I was pregnant with Ellie those shorts didn't fit because of my size. This summer they were way too big and yesterday they just fit a little snug at six months pregnant. 

It feels good to be honest and open. Definitely scary, but good. I love being pregnant but am very scared of gaining a lot more weight and having diabetes. I am not as scared about losing it afterwards because having a treadmill will make it a lot easier than trying to work around Cody's schedule and the weather. It may not seem like that big of a difference between the two pregnancies but it is. I feel so much better and exercising everyday definitely helps that.