Even though things have felt different and I haven't seemed to be the happiest or best mom lately, we have definitely been blessed. I don't feel like I have spent much time mentally preparing for tho baby to come at all. I kept thinking that maybe if I went and picked out an outfit to bring her home in then it would make me more excited. We went to target and I found a cute outfit but Cody got a call about work stuff and couldn't really look with me. The same thing happened when we went to look at JcPennys, he took a call and even though I found an outfit I liked the more I carried it around the less I liked it. I was feeling bad about not finding anything an decided to pull out all the newborn and 0-3 month clothes that we had from Ellie. I forgot how many clothes we really had! My sister gave us a few huge boxes of clothes (she's done having kids) and the rest were gifts from people. The stack of onesies alone is as tall as the couch cushion and the stack of pajamas is almost as tall! Out of all the clothes this size there are only two onsies and a pair of pajamas that I remember buying ourselves. I am so glad we are having another little girl because we don't even have to worry about not having clothes for this kiddo.
Yesterday also helped me know that I am not alone and that we are being watched over, that someone is aware of me. I went to grab some potatoes from Cody's parents (it's nice being related to potato farmers!). Ellie and I were chatting with his mom when Ellie started to throw a little fit, she sat down in the middle of the room and pouted. I grabbed her hands and picked her up to play ring around the rosies I make her feel better. She sat right back down and started crying hard. I picked her up and she was cradling her right arm, she wouldn't let me touch it or move her arm at all, just scream in pain. We felt her arm and nothing felt wrong, no discoloration or anything but she just wouldn't stop crying. We get home and she still wouldn't move it and wouldn't calm down. I didn't want to rush her to the hospital or the doctors just in case it wasn't anything and decided to turn on a movie.
We snuggled on the couch for over an hour and eventually she calmed down but but she still would cry out in pain or scream every couple of minutes. At 5 Gwen called to see how she was. I was jut waiting for Cody to get home to take her in because it had almost been two hours and no improvement. I was feeling awful for unintentionally hurting my child and putting her in so much pain. I was feeling like the worst mother because she would look at me with tears streaming down her face and a look of "help me!" in her eyes. And while she cried, I cried.
I let her eat a snack on the couch to try and help get her mind off of her arm that she was still barely moving. At first she only used her left hand but eventually started using her right. When she was done she hopped off the couch and started playing with her toys. She had barely moved on the couch for the past hour and all of a sudden she was on the ground playing without complaint. She still babied it for a little while but eventually acted like nothing was wrong with it. As the night progressed she was acting perfectly fine. While I was helping her eat Cody texted me saying he got caught up at work and would be late. I'm glad I didn't see this text until after she started playing.
I was do worried that I hurt my little girl and I didn't even know how or what happened exactly. But I know someone is watching over me. I would not have been able to calmly sit in a doctors office with her alone knowing that it was my fault. I know that I am being looked after and that I am loved. Even though a lot of the time I feel alone in my trials I never really am.
that picture of her is so sad and at the same time so cute...hehe. what a doll!
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