Oh tantrums!

We definitely have a toddler in this house, if you don’t believe me come and watch one of her fits. Ellenor is at that stage where she knows what she wants but can’t quite always tell us yet. Most of the time she is great to show you by pulling your finger and dragging you behind her but other times you ask what she wants and she just melts onto the floor.

Today has been no exception. I had an ultra sound this morning and she played at grandma’s house. She didn’t want to leave but came home and took a nap just fine. This afternoon was great, we ate lunch, played, and got some really good snuggling time in. She was in desperate need of a nap and after 45 minutes of fighting it I decided to at least turn on a movie for some quiet down time. We both fell asleep for a good 45 minutes, a much needed nap for both of us but when she got off the couch she just melted.

She throws herself face first onto the floor and twitches. Sometimes its just the legs, others it’s a whole body wiggle all the while either screaming or letting out quick unpleasant grunts. She moves in circles while keeping her face smashed into the carpet.

At first we just left her where she was and ignored them hoping she would stop if we didn’t pay any attention. That didn’t work. No everytime she starts one we put her in the same spot to calm down. Usually she will last a few minutes and when she starts to calm down I can go and talk to her and she is fine. Not today.

Today she screamed for a good 25 minutes. It started in the living room and when I got up to take her to the designated calm down spot she immediately moved there without my help. If her crying calmed I would try to talk to her and ask her what she needed but she would just go limp and throw herself back onto the floor to scream.

Lets just say her tantrums are hard to deal with. Maybe its mean to say but there is a reward that comes along with them. She gives great big hugs and just melts into my arms. After feeling like I have no idea what I am doing and that nothing is working a hug counts as a reward.

If anyone has any advice for tantrums please share! Hopefully before we lose our minds over here.

Some days I am an awful mom. Multiple movies during the day, cereal and snacks instead of real meals, staying in pjs (at least I change her diapers!) until well into the day, I don't do anything constructive or to help her learn anything. Other days I feel like I am the best mom in the world and on top of everything, eating well rounded homemade meals, getting dressed with hair done first thing in the morning, no pacifiers throughout the day and playing together a lot.

We are always going to have days that aren't as successful and days that just are off. But I have found my attitude is a huge determining factor in how the day goes and how I parent. Ever since I have been a mom I have felt like I have to justify being a stay at home mom. That I have to let people know that I am also taking classes because being a mom isn't good enough for everyone else, it wasn't good enough for me. Plenty of women are busy with other things and raising kids while I'm only taking care of one small child. For a long time I felt like I NEEDED to do something outside of the home because a lot of other people were. I wasn't comfortable with people thinking less of me and my talents because I stayed at home. I have nothing against working moms and I grew up in a household where my mom did work, we all turned out fine and have a great relationship with our parents (just throwing that out there, I'm not writing this to offend anyone).

I was afraid to admit that I liked being a stay at home mom. I like wearing comfy clothes and staying at home. I was embarrassed to admit I hate being busy all the time and I love having a lot of down time. I do like to get out of the house but I'm content if the furthest we get is the mailbox. I feel like there is so much pressure to do so much and have so many talents and hobbies. I was embarrassed to admit that I like reading kids books and singing silly songs rather worrying about a stressful job and all that they can entail.

I am no longer embarrassed to say I am a mom and that is all. I am so excited for this semester to end so I can focus more of my attention to what I love most, being a mom (and taking as many naps as possible before this baby comes). For a long time I felt like when I had two kids that I would have a reason to justify staying at home but there is no reason to justify doing what I love.

Yes somedays I wish I was more social and had something to do to get me out of the house. Somedays I even think having a job and stressing about meeting deadlines or helping customers would be less work than dealing with a cranky toddler throwing a fit. Being a mom isn't easy, it is the hardest and most trying thing I have ever done. But it is also the most rewarding. I get to be the one to teach our daughters how to say the alphabet and eat using a fork. I could work and allow us to have more monetary things like toys but to me those things aren't important. What is important is me being the best mom I can be and not being ashamed of staying home to raise my kids.

Ok rant over.

This past weekend was a busy one. Busy with a lot of driving and not even me driving, thanks Cody! My dads mom lives on California and is starting to reach an age when it's more difficult for her to be on her own. My parents are moving from Alaska soon and putting in their mission papers. Dad and grandma took a trip to Utah to look at retirement communities (that's where my parents are planning to end up after their mission) and we decided to swing down and see them for a quick visit.

It was also a last trip to see my other grandparents and sister before the baby comes. I know, I know, we only live 4 hours away. But there isn't a hospital for about 2 1/2 of those hours, thank you idaho farming! So traveling close to when the baby is due isn't going to happen for us, I don't want a side of the highway car birth! We drove down Friday night and hung out with grandma and grandpa. I swear Ellenor loves grandpa more then me, they are great pals!

Saturday morning Cody played golf with my brother in law while my sister and I took the kids to Bridal Veil falls up the provo canyon. It was mid 60s and sunny. Absolutely beautiful! But absolutely busy at the same time, there were so many people with bikes, strollers, or even just running the trail.

Ellie being the curious little one that she is didn't want to stay and watch the fish for very long there was just too much else to explore! She wasn't too happy when I made her stay by the fish because she about go run over multiple times by bikes, scooters, skateboards, and the two footed skateboards (no idea what the name of those are but they make it look like you are running in place!).

We had a nice lunch of hamburgers and rootbeer floats at grandma and grandpas. You can't have a bbq and not sit and visit for hours while the kids run around or nap! It was fun to talk with grandma Audrey, she's always lived in California and we have only been able to see her a handful of times.

Last night we headed to Logan on our way home, it's really more of an hour plus detour to grab a crib from Cody's brother. Have I mentioned how much I love having older siblings who are done having kids? Seriously so lucky! Last year Cody helped with brother build a shed and ended up getting a nail stuck in his arm, something about the nail gun shooting out two nails instead of one? I think... Anyways it's been about a year and they have been saving the nail for him as a souvenir! It's still bent and you can see how far it went into his arm, it was almost an inch!

As crazy busy as this weekend was with all the driving it was amazing. I hate to admit it but I am glad we don't live in Alaska, it's too far away from most family and quick trips like this just aren't possible. I love spending a lazy Saturday morning watching Ellie play while engrossed in conversation with my grandma or watching Ellie play with her cousins and building relationships with them. There is nothing more rewarding than having great relationships with family!

The past few weeks have just felt off for our whole family. Part of it was because I was helping a girl in our ward with Junior Miss (a scholarship program) and have been busy with that. Part of it is because Cody has been gone so much with work and I know a large part is due to pregnancy hormones.

Even though things have felt different and I haven't seemed to be the happiest or best mom lately, we have definitely been blessed. I don't feel like I have spent much time mentally preparing for tho baby to come at all. I kept thinking that maybe if I went and picked out an outfit to bring her home in then it would make me more excited. We went to target and I found a cute outfit but Cody got a call about work stuff and couldn't really look with me. The same thing happened when we went to look at JcPennys, he took a call and even though I found an outfit I liked the more I carried it around the less I liked it. I was feeling bad about not finding anything an decided to pull out all the newborn and 0-3 month clothes that we had from Ellie. I forgot how many clothes we really had! My sister gave us a few huge boxes of clothes (she's done having kids) and the rest were gifts from people. The stack of onesies alone is as tall as the couch cushion and the stack of pajamas is almost as tall! Out of all the clothes this size there are only two onsies and a pair of pajamas that I remember buying ourselves. I am so glad we are having another little girl because we don't even have to worry about not having clothes for this kiddo.

Yesterday also helped me know that I am not alone and that we are being watched over, that someone is aware of me. I went to grab some potatoes from Cody's parents (it's nice being related to potato farmers!). Ellie and I were chatting with his mom when Ellie started to throw a little fit, she sat down in the middle of the room and pouted. I grabbed her hands and picked her up to play ring around the rosies I make her feel better. She sat right back down and started crying hard. I picked her up and she was cradling her right arm, she wouldn't let me touch it or move her arm at all, just scream in pain. We felt her arm and nothing felt wrong, no discoloration or anything but she just wouldn't stop crying. We get home and she still wouldn't move it and wouldn't calm down. I didn't want to rush her to the hospital or the doctors just in case it wasn't anything and decided to turn on a movie.

We snuggled on the couch for over an hour and eventually she calmed down but but she still would cry out in pain or scream every couple of minutes. At 5 Gwen called to see how she was. I was jut waiting for Cody to get home to take her in because it had almost been two hours and no improvement. I was feeling awful for unintentionally hurting my child and putting her in so much pain. I was feeling like the worst mother because she would look at me with tears streaming down her face and a look of "help me!" in her eyes. And while she cried, I cried.

I let her eat a snack on the couch to try and help get her mind off of her arm that she was still barely moving. At first she only used her left hand but eventually started using her right. When she was done she hopped off the couch and started playing with her toys. She had barely moved on the couch for the past hour and all of a sudden she was on the ground playing without complaint. She still babied it for a little while but eventually acted like nothing was wrong with it. As the night progressed she was acting perfectly fine. While I was helping her eat Cody texted me saying he got caught up at work and would be late. I'm glad I didn't see this text until after she started playing.

I was do worried that I hurt my little girl and I didn't even know how or what happened exactly. But I know someone is watching over me. I would not have been able to calmly sit in a doctors office with her alone knowing that it was my fault. I know that I am being looked after and that I am loved. Even though a lot of the time I feel alone in my trials I never really am.

I thought I should probably blog about my pregnancy before I get to the "I'm so miserable and uncomfortable! Why can't this baby come already!" stage.

Today I am officially 28 weeks, the third and final trimester! We are in the home stretch and I am excited! The first trimester it didn't feel too real even though I was nauseous when I didn't eat and constantly tired. Then the second trimester hit and I didn't even feel like I was pregnant at all. Yea I was steadily gaining weight but other than that I didn't have any real symptoms. I also regained my energy and motivation and was able to start exercising regularly again. The past few months I have felt great, I've been sleeping just fine, appetite was doing just fine.

And then this week started. I feel like I have literally ran into a brick wall. I am constantly tired, thank goodness Ellenor takes a nap so I can to. I have no motivation to exercise, last night I fell asleep stretching on the floor after a walk, I was lucky to even get a short work out in in the first place but I was definitely feeling it in my legs this morning which is unusual. I am having to say good to my ankles sooner than I hoped for.

But despite the lack of energy within the last couple days this pregnancy has been great. I don't really remember how I was feeling with Ellenor because I didn't write anything down. This one seems to be going very smoothly, nothing wrong at all and both of us are healthy and doing great. This little girl is a mover and I love it! She especially moves whenever I'm snuggling with Ellie, even if she's just sitting on my lap this kiddo moves around and kicks where she is.

I have an ultrasound next week to make sure everything looks good still. At my scan a few months ago the placenta was looking like it was low but my doctor wasn't too concerned about it. I was afraid to look it up online only to overreact and become worried about something I shouldn't be worry about. I did start to worry between appointments and ended up looking online. I guess at the earlier ultra sounds its common for it to be seen low but move up as the baby gets bigger. Next week it's just to be safe but everything should be just fine so I'm not worried. I am excited to see this little girl again, last time she was being shy and the tech couldn't get a good look at her face.

It's crazy to think this little one will be here in three months! At this point I'm not too stressed about having two. Ellie is pretty good about entertaining herself, I am worried she'll use feeding time as a time to get into mischief though. I'm excited to watch these two grow together and for Ellie to take on the roll of big sister even though she still seems like such a baby herself at times.

Easter was pretty low key for us this year. Friday we had an egg hunt with friends, Saturday we spent a majority of the day outside mowing the lawn and making the flower beds look nice around the house. Sunday we spent the afternoon at Cody's parents where Ellie loved finding all the mini chocolate eggs that were hidden.

As I'm writing this thinking back to how nice the weather was last week it is snowing/raining and has been all day. It's ok with me though (as long as it doesn't last too long) because there won't be water in the canal for us to water our lawn until next week. We are excited for more warm weather to spend all day outside. Ellie is constantly pulling her tennis shoes of the shelf and wanting to put them on to go out. We also put a crate with a few outside toys, like chalk, a ball, badminton rackets next to the door and she will randomly bring those to me throughout the day. Hopefully it will get nice again within the next few days so we don't get cabin fever!

Today I took a much needed break from everything. And it seems to be just what the doctor ordered. The past few days have been stressful with trying to get school work done. Yesterday was so bad in fact this poor kiddo watched a movie in the middle of the afternoon just so I could take a shower and a test. Mother of the year award right here!

I felt awful all day long because I wasn't spending the time with her and putting her off to get other things done. And do you know what? I got another C on my test. It was all for nothing! So today I decided to forget about everything else, dishes aren't done, the floor is in desperate need of a vacuum with multiple meal remnants scattered across the floor. But I'm taking a break from it all and giving her my full attention today because its what she needs. It's definitely what I need.

And this break from everything else has been perfect! Do you know what is happening right now?!?! We are snuggled on the couch and she is asleep in my arms! It's a miracle, I can't remember the last time it happened.

Last night I was listening to the General Young Women's broadcast from this past weekend and President Uchtdorf gave a piece of council that was exactly what I needed to hear. (http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/general-young-women-meeting/2013/03/your-wonderful-journey-home?lang=eng) He was talking about the journey's we will take in life and that we need to be of good cheer.

"There will always be things to complain about—things that don’t seem to go quite right. You can spend your days feeling sad, alone, misunderstood, or unwanted. But that isn’t the journey you had hoped for, and it’s not the journey Heavenly Father sent you to take. Remember, you are truly a daughter of God!

With this in mind, I invite you to walk confidently and joyfully. Yes, the road has bumps and detours and even some hazards. But don’t focus on them. Look for the happiness your Father in Heaven has prepared for you in every step of your journey. Happiness is the destination, but it’s also the path. “Peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come” is what He promises.11 That is why He commands us to “be of good cheer.”

So today I am moving on from the bad day of yesterday with good cheer and a positive outlook for the days to come. Because you can't be in a bad mood when the weekend is almost here right?!?!