I found myself reading a very intriguing article (found here) about motherhood. The author talking about her mother says " I’m raising a family and doing all of the things she did when I was young. I want to remember her like that, I want to know her like that.  I want to ask her all about it and hear advice on how to do this mothering thing right."

It got me thinking, really thinking and that is scary because I don't admit having conversations with myself often and this one had me talking. What if Ellenor was an adult and we were friends, what would she see? Who would she see me as? Would she see me as everyone else sees me or as I see me?

If I were to introduce myself to her as an adult right now what would I say? Would I tell her that I absolutely hate change and that it has taken me two years to finally feel comfortable saying hi to more than two people at church? 

Would I tell her that I love having her as an excuse to get together with other moms for an afternoon? That I like play dates because it means I get adult time with other women and sometimes don't even think about how she will do with the other kids. 

Would I tell her that I really am a messy person and the only reason the house stays clean is because she gets anxious if its a complete disaster? Or would I lie and just tell her that I love cleaning and organization is a hobby of mine to make myself look better. 

Would I tell her that having kids makes the whole dinner situation awful? Having someone tug on your leg for attention or making a mess in the other room while you try to boil noodles makes me never want to cook again ever and force everyone to eat cold cereal for every meal. And don't tempt me because if I could I would eat cold cereal every meal.

Would I tell her that having kids was the best decision I have ever made and wouldn't change it for the world? Or would I complain about all that can go wrong in a day and by wrong I mean not the way I planned because she wants to just sit and read a book or listen to the birds outside or play patty cake for the one thousandth time. 

Would I tell her how amazing her dad is or would she feel embarrassed by how giddy I still get every time I talk about Cody?

Would she feel comfortable to ask me for my advice or would she be able to see that I really don't have anything together and that I am really the one who needs all the advice I can get? 

Its a very good thing Ellenor is still so young. As far as I know she still likes me and loves to help with anything I am doing. She doesn't see me as the rest of the world sees me and she definitely doesn't see me the way I see myself. And that is a good thing. That means that I still have time to be a better mom, the best mother to her and her sister that I can be. She doesn't know the world's/cyberspace's definition of super mom. As far as she knows, and I plan on keeping it that way for as long as possible, I am the best mom. I am her mom and that is enough.

If Ellenor could know me right now, I hope that she would know the best side of me. Not the side that cries occasionally when Cody gets home out of relief from having help. Or the side of me that will sometimes give her a mean glare as I tell her to knock it off while shes screaming and twisting during a diaper change. I would want her to know the side of me that feels so much better at the end of the day when I know I have spent quality time with her even if that means showering at 5:15 as dad is on his way home from work. Or the side of me that randomly gets teary eyed as we are snuggling in bed in the morning because she is growing up so fast and its amazing to see the amazing person she is becoming. I want her to see the side of me that is willing to do anything to make her and her dad happy, even if that means singing pop corn popping for fifteen minutes straight on the ride home from the store. 

This mother's day instead of thinking about my mother, I'm thinking about my daughter. My list is long of things I need to improve on the be the kind of mother she deserves but I'm so glad I get the opportunity to teach her and raise her. Both of our girls.

Some days you just need a good chat. Last night it was with my dad. With all the craziness that he has been dealing with (getting grandma's house packed up and moved all the while trying to get their own house packed and mission papers in) he is still just as amazing as ever.

We were talking about perspective. The care taker lady that visits my grandmother for a few hours a day enjoys it because her mother at home sometimes doesn't even remember who she is. As we were discussing perspective and how things always seem terrible to us until we hear someone else's story it reminded me of a quote from my favorite movie, Ever After.

"No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse."

The funny part about it was as we were saying our goodbyes I asked if there was anything we could do to help and dad just said come and trade me. Jokingly I told him that I'd love to come pack if he wanted to be pregnant.  I may have complained for a minute or two about how this kid is sure making herself cozy in my ribs and that Ellenor's new favorite thing is to sit in front of me and bounce off my belly. But really I have nothing to complain about.

Sometimes I like to think I have it bad, well not bad necessarily but I think if possible I would change things. For example, the house we live in. Its a smaller two bedroom house but it definitely has a lot of space and I love that. A few weeks ago I found myself annoyed that the kitchen was so close to our bedroom. If only we had more space between our bedroom and the kitchen, even a set of stairs would help, than maybe Cody would actually make me breakfast in bed. We used to get breakfast in bed on special occasions like birthdays. I know this is completely ridiculous to even be admitting but it bothered me.

We try to spend as much time outside as possible when it's nice because Idaho weather is very unpredictable. The wind can pick up fast speeds in no time! I have quite a bit of schoolwork built up from last week that is due on Friday and of course there is getting the house put back together and laundry to do.

But despite all the inside needs we decided to head outside for a bit. I love having a toddler! She notices every little thing about the yard and the outside of the house. Flowers are the most intriguing thing of the day to touch. We sat on the front patio for a good ten minutes watching the trees and listening to the birds. Every time a new chirping sound was made she would point with an excited smile and ask what's that?!

We switched Ellenor's bed the other night and I was pretty nervous. I was afraid we would be up all night trying to keep her in her bed and constantly fighting her. She usually sleeps great and will even take me into her room when she is ready for a nap. Saturday night we kept her up a little bit later to make sure she was tired before laying her down in bed. When we laid her down in bed she went right to sleep! We didn't change anything about her bed except for the side railing. We also switched which side her head goes and that had me worried. So far it hasn't bugged her. When she wakes up she still stands by the door on her bed and either taps the handle or plays with the light switch. She knows how to get on and off of her bed but for some reason she still likes to stand there and wait for us to come and get her. I think not having a lot of toys and playing in her room has helped a lot with this transition. The only toys are a few stuffed animals in her closet but we shut it at night.

I really hope I'm not jinxing myself by writing this but I'm glad it's been easy so far. She's been really good at going down to bed and she's usually great at taking naps but last week had me really worried. We both knew she would be ready soon and with this new babies arrival fast approaching we decided to just go for it!

I am not a huge fan of giving an excuse to everything a child does. Like tantrums for example must mean they are either hungry, tired, or teething. Well... Turns out Ellenor has been popping out a molar, her first one!

Now I'm not complaining, she has really been great. She is pretty emotional (Cody says its because she's my daughter but we don't tell him we agree). She gets so tired in the afternoons but does not want to take a nap. The last few days have been amazing because she is in such a snugly mood! She has never been a cuddly kind of kid, she wants to explore and watch whatever is going on. The last few days we have both been able to take much needed naps on the couch for at least a good hour in the afternoon. And yes, I will milk this for as long as she is willing to let me! I miss watching her sleep so peacefully on my shoulder and hug her blanket. It is the sweetest thing ever and I don't want to forget it.

On a random note, I had the craziest dream last night. I was shopping at a local market and was searching for a new phone cover. All of the ones they had were cats doing different things or posed with different kinds of flowers. The craziest part is that I was excited about a cat phone cover! I HATE cats! I would never in a million years choose a stupid cat to protect my phone. Thank heavens there are a lot of cuter options than only cats!

Oh tantrums!

We definitely have a toddler in this house, if you don’t believe me come and watch one of her fits. Ellenor is at that stage where she knows what she wants but can’t quite always tell us yet. Most of the time she is great to show you by pulling your finger and dragging you behind her but other times you ask what she wants and she just melts onto the floor.

Today has been no exception. I had an ultra sound this morning and she played at grandma’s house. She didn’t want to leave but came home and took a nap just fine. This afternoon was great, we ate lunch, played, and got some really good snuggling time in. She was in desperate need of a nap and after 45 minutes of fighting it I decided to at least turn on a movie for some quiet down time. We both fell asleep for a good 45 minutes, a much needed nap for both of us but when she got off the couch she just melted.

She throws herself face first onto the floor and twitches. Sometimes its just the legs, others it’s a whole body wiggle all the while either screaming or letting out quick unpleasant grunts. She moves in circles while keeping her face smashed into the carpet.

At first we just left her where she was and ignored them hoping she would stop if we didn’t pay any attention. That didn’t work. No everytime she starts one we put her in the same spot to calm down. Usually she will last a few minutes and when she starts to calm down I can go and talk to her and she is fine. Not today.

Today she screamed for a good 25 minutes. It started in the living room and when I got up to take her to the designated calm down spot she immediately moved there without my help. If her crying calmed I would try to talk to her and ask her what she needed but she would just go limp and throw herself back onto the floor to scream.

Lets just say her tantrums are hard to deal with. Maybe its mean to say but there is a reward that comes along with them. She gives great big hugs and just melts into my arms. After feeling like I have no idea what I am doing and that nothing is working a hug counts as a reward.

If anyone has any advice for tantrums please share! Hopefully before we lose our minds over here.

Some days I am an awful mom. Multiple movies during the day, cereal and snacks instead of real meals, staying in pjs (at least I change her diapers!) until well into the day, I don't do anything constructive or to help her learn anything. Other days I feel like I am the best mom in the world and on top of everything, eating well rounded homemade meals, getting dressed with hair done first thing in the morning, no pacifiers throughout the day and playing together a lot.

We are always going to have days that aren't as successful and days that just are off. But I have found my attitude is a huge determining factor in how the day goes and how I parent. Ever since I have been a mom I have felt like I have to justify being a stay at home mom. That I have to let people know that I am also taking classes because being a mom isn't good enough for everyone else, it wasn't good enough for me. Plenty of women are busy with other things and raising kids while I'm only taking care of one small child. For a long time I felt like I NEEDED to do something outside of the home because a lot of other people were. I wasn't comfortable with people thinking less of me and my talents because I stayed at home. I have nothing against working moms and I grew up in a household where my mom did work, we all turned out fine and have a great relationship with our parents (just throwing that out there, I'm not writing this to offend anyone).

I was afraid to admit that I liked being a stay at home mom. I like wearing comfy clothes and staying at home. I was embarrassed to admit I hate being busy all the time and I love having a lot of down time. I do like to get out of the house but I'm content if the furthest we get is the mailbox. I feel like there is so much pressure to do so much and have so many talents and hobbies. I was embarrassed to admit that I like reading kids books and singing silly songs rather worrying about a stressful job and all that they can entail.

I am no longer embarrassed to say I am a mom and that is all. I am so excited for this semester to end so I can focus more of my attention to what I love most, being a mom (and taking as many naps as possible before this baby comes). For a long time I felt like when I had two kids that I would have a reason to justify staying at home but there is no reason to justify doing what I love.

Yes somedays I wish I was more social and had something to do to get me out of the house. Somedays I even think having a job and stressing about meeting deadlines or helping customers would be less work than dealing with a cranky toddler throwing a fit. Being a mom isn't easy, it is the hardest and most trying thing I have ever done. But it is also the most rewarding. I get to be the one to teach our daughters how to say the alphabet and eat using a fork. I could work and allow us to have more monetary things like toys but to me those things aren't important. What is important is me being the best mom I can be and not being ashamed of staying home to raise my kids.

Ok rant over.

This past weekend was a busy one. Busy with a lot of driving and not even me driving, thanks Cody! My dads mom lives on California and is starting to reach an age when it's more difficult for her to be on her own. My parents are moving from Alaska soon and putting in their mission papers. Dad and grandma took a trip to Utah to look at retirement communities (that's where my parents are planning to end up after their mission) and we decided to swing down and see them for a quick visit.

It was also a last trip to see my other grandparents and sister before the baby comes. I know, I know, we only live 4 hours away. But there isn't a hospital for about 2 1/2 of those hours, thank you idaho farming! So traveling close to when the baby is due isn't going to happen for us, I don't want a side of the highway car birth! We drove down Friday night and hung out with grandma and grandpa. I swear Ellenor loves grandpa more then me, they are great pals!

Saturday morning Cody played golf with my brother in law while my sister and I took the kids to Bridal Veil falls up the provo canyon. It was mid 60s and sunny. Absolutely beautiful! But absolutely busy at the same time, there were so many people with bikes, strollers, or even just running the trail.

Ellie being the curious little one that she is didn't want to stay and watch the fish for very long there was just too much else to explore! She wasn't too happy when I made her stay by the fish because she about go run over multiple times by bikes, scooters, skateboards, and the two footed skateboards (no idea what the name of those are but they make it look like you are running in place!).

We had a nice lunch of hamburgers and rootbeer floats at grandma and grandpas. You can't have a bbq and not sit and visit for hours while the kids run around or nap! It was fun to talk with grandma Audrey, she's always lived in California and we have only been able to see her a handful of times.

Last night we headed to Logan on our way home, it's really more of an hour plus detour to grab a crib from Cody's brother. Have I mentioned how much I love having older siblings who are done having kids? Seriously so lucky! Last year Cody helped with brother build a shed and ended up getting a nail stuck in his arm, something about the nail gun shooting out two nails instead of one? I think... Anyways it's been about a year and they have been saving the nail for him as a souvenir! It's still bent and you can see how far it went into his arm, it was almost an inch!

As crazy busy as this weekend was with all the driving it was amazing. I hate to admit it but I am glad we don't live in Alaska, it's too far away from most family and quick trips like this just aren't possible. I love spending a lazy Saturday morning watching Ellie play while engrossed in conversation with my grandma or watching Ellie play with her cousins and building relationships with them. There is nothing more rewarding than having great relationships with family!