I don't like being wrong. I would rather live by telling myself it's
not true than to admit defeat. This week has been extremely tough for me
because I've had to admit I was wrong and defeated twice. It is not fun
by any means.
I like being a mom and the more Ellie
grows the more I just want to spend all day consumed in her every move.
Creepy? Maybe a little but she is learning so many new things at such a
rapid pace that I feel like if I do too much while she's awake I will
miss these new discoveries of hers.
I am a planner and
I like to make lists and calendars of exactly how I think things should
go. The past couple of weeks have been really trying and my lists and
plans have literally been shredded. Fall means Cody is gone more often
and that it is colder at night and in the mornings. Ellenor started not
sleeping well at night which meant no morning runs when you only got a
few hours of sleep. Those days I would say no big deal, I'll run at
night just happened to be the days Cody called to say he was going to be
late. Now I'm not trying to complain by any means, it's just how things
have played out and we are rolling with the punches.
Without
proper training (running everyday) that means the half marathon in two
weeks is out. I had been struggling for days trying to decide to push
myself in two and a half weeks or to just not do it. I realize now that
there are plenty other races to do and I have plenty of time to train
for one. Realizing that this one race wasn't going to be my first was
difficult. I had been planning this, training for it (well at least
until two weeks ago I was really training), and I had told a lot of
people who were constantly asking how I was progressing. Between juggling everything that is going on right now running just isn't able to be as big of a part of my life as I had planned.
The second defeat is school. This semester I am only take 4 classes but they are harder for me. I have one easy class that ends half way through the semester and the harder ones are economics, U.S. history, and the impossible class- U.S. government. It is only difficult because of how much it requires you to do. Every few weeks you have to read at least four chapters, write a ten page essay, write 25 separate paragraphs on terms (must include the definition, importance to society, and a few other questions), and five one page essays. Each couple of weeks! Its absurd!!!
I am able to keep up with the work load for my other three classes but not this one. I hate the feeling of being compared to others. Having a newborn and doing school was a lot easier. I know there are a lot of people that are able to go to school while they have a baby. I don't have the luxury of leaving my child with someone while I attend classes every single day for hours on end. Those who do are very lucky. I just hate the feeling of being looked down upon because I am not going to school full time.
The purpose of this rant is to admit to myself mostly that it is O.K. to admit that I can't do everything that I thought I could this fall. Life throws you curves and its about moving right along with them and not getting hit in the head in the process. I am excited but also sad that I have to admit that I can't take as many credits and classes as I did last winter. I'm sad that I have to keep reminding myself that there are always races in the spring and next summer.
But I am excited to not be as overwhelmed anymore and just be able to enjoy everything that is going on right now. I can go out and take pictures of my daughter on our lawn and not feel guilty because I am overloaded with school work. I can enjoy attending mutual with the young women and book club without feeling guilty about not being cooped up inside constantly reading textbooks. I can look forward to weekends know that if we leave I don't have to stay home or lug heavy books around because I can manage to get them done during the week.
Gee, Jayme- you are already my hero for even taking ONE class while being a full-time mom. Seriously, while J was doing his internship he had to take an online class. I jokingly said "I'll do it!" but still didn't have the guts to make time for it. You are truly amazing, and Heavenly Father doesn't care if you take one less class or miss a half marathon- he cares that you're trying to be the best person you can be in your own, unique circumstances. Plus, I just started running and it has made me so exhausted...I can totally understand wanting to pace yourself and doing it only when you've allowed yourself the right amount of sleep first- otherwise it doesn't seem healthy. You are being smart about it. And as for everything else, it seems to me that your life is rich with wholesome activities and good people :) what a blessing! I wish I could get into other things besides the usual mommy stuff...like reading a book, cooking healthier, growing something, making friends....the more varied our life is, the more fulfilling it can be. love you so much girl- keep being optimistic!
ReplyDeleteTotally know what you mean Jayme. I've been thinking the same thing with this week of school. Going to school with a newborn was so much easier then now. I don't know how I'll do it when Tim's gone more. And the hours he's gone will be nothing compared to what you're going through with Cody being gone right now. I too want to get good enough at running that I can do the different races but I've decided that school and spending time with Kenneth are more important then loosing weight.
ReplyDeleteJayme! Just so you know, four classes is considered full time. And that's more than I'm doing so go you :) I think every mom struggles with how to do the things you want, the things you should, and just trying to be a good mom all at the same time. Endless struggle for a lot of us I think. It was so fun to see you the other day!
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